เปลือยครูปู
เนื่องจากได้แรงบันดาลใจจากปฏิทินนู๊ด เอ๊ยไม่ใช่ เนื่องจากเห็นพ่อครูมักใช้สำนวนเปลือยครูบาที่นู่นที่นี่อยู่เป็นประจำ พอได้ทีเลยเอาบ้างเดี๋ยวจะเสียชื่อลูกสาวครูบาไปซะฉิบ 
เพิ่งไปผ่าตัดก้อนไขมัน (Lipoma) มาหมาด ๆ เลยเป็นเหตุให้หายซ่าไประยะนึงค่ะ พอกลับมามีแต่คนถามว่าเป็นอะไร ไม่รู้จะอธิบายยังไงดี เอารูปถ่ายมาให้ดูกันเสียเลย
ก่อนหน้านี้ถ้าใส่เสื้อตัวเล็ก ๆ ครูปูจะเหมือนคนตัวเบี้ยวเหมือนซี่โครงด้านขวามันบานออกมา คลำก้อนในภาพนี้เจอเมื่อซัก 3 ปีก่อนตอนกลับบ้านแล้วถอดเสื้อให้แม่ดู
แม่ร้องจ๊าก “เนื้องอกนี่”
ทำเอาใจแป้วไปถึงตาตุ่มเชียว
หมอบอกว่าเป็นก้อนไขมันซึ่งอาจเกิดได้จากความผิดปกติของการสะสมไขมันในร่างกายผิดที่ของเราเอง ไปค้นข้อมูลดูบางตำราก็บอกว่าเกิดจากพันธุกรรมได้ด้วยค่ะ แต่มันแข็งมากเหมือนกระดูก x-ray แล้วก็ยังไม่แน่ใจวุ๊ย ต้องไป ultrasound อีก หมอก็บอกว่าเป็นก้อนไขมันจริง ๆ แต่ไม่อันตรายหรอกนะ ถ้ารำคาญก็ตัดออกซะถ้าไม่รำคาญหรือมันไม่โตขึ้นก็ไม่ต้องทำอะไรก็ได้
ปีนี้ท่านประธานฯ ทำประกันสุขภาพของ บริษัทบูพา ให้ทั้งโรงเรียน ครูปูพิเศษหน่อยได้แพลน B ฐานที่เป็นคนดันเรื่องนี้จนสำเร็จ
Room&Board 1,000 /Day
Hos.Service 15,000
Surgery 15,000 (Non Schedule)
Doctor’s Visit 500/Day
ER accident 1,500
OPD 800/Visit/Day (Max.30 Visits)
เริ่มใช้ได้ตั้งแต่เดือนมิถุนายน 2553 นี้เป็นต้นไป ทีนี้นึกครึ้ม ๆ เลยดิ่จะหาเรื่องอะไรรักษาดีน้อ เห็นงบผ่าตัดที่มีวงเงินให้ 15,000 บาทเลยเหลือบตามองลงมาที่เจ้าก้อนไขมันเพื่อนยากตรงชายซี่โครงด้านขวา อย่ากระนั้นเลย เราออกมาเห็นหน้าเห็นตากันเลยดีกว่า
วันที่เดินทางไปผ่าที่โรงพยาบาลเซ็นทรัลเยนเนอรัล หน้าโรงพยาบาลรถติดมากจึงเปิดประตูแท็กซี่ขอลงเดินต่ออีกนิดนึง
ป๊าด… มีรถมอเตอร์ไซค์ขับมาเสียบประตูรถแท็กซี่ด้านซ้ายมือที่ครูปูกำลังจะก้าวขาลงดัง โครม!
เจ้าหนุ่มนักซิ่งน่ะไม่เท่าไหร่ ดั๊นซ้อนคุณแม่มาด้วยนี่สิ ไอ้เราก็หน้าเสียด้วยความสงสารคุณน้าเขา เข้าไปขอโทษขอโพยเป็นการใหญ่ การณ์มิได้เป็นดังคาดสองคนแม่ลูกรุมต่อว่าครูปูดังลั่นถนนไปหมด ไอ้เจ้าคนขับแท็กซี่ก็แสบไม่เบา ถือโอกาสรุมยำซ้ำเติมเราเข้าไปอีกคนนึง แต่พูด ๆ เสร็จก็ขับรถหนีไปเฉยเลยนะ สงสัยมีคดีเก่าอยู่แล้วแง๋ ๆ เลยไม่อยากเจอตำรวจ
แป๊บเดียวพี่น้องผองไทยก็มามุงกันตาแป๋วเสมือนเป็นญาติผู้ใหญ่ของเราทั้งสองฝ่ายก็มิปานเลยโทรประสาน สน.บางเขน เนื่องจากมี connection อยู่และติดต่อน้องที่ทำงานให้มาเคลียร์เรื่องแทนทีจะรีบไปเข้าห้องผ่าตัด
ปรากฏว่าสองคนแม่ลูกไม่ยอมเลิกรา ครูปูจึงวางท่านิ่งเฉยแปลงร่างเป็นพระปูนทันที
เห็นว่าเลยเวลาที่หมอนัดมามากแล้ว จึงถามไปว่า
“นี่ตกลงไม่ได้รีบร้อนไปไหนใช่ไหม มีเวลาจะมาเอาเรื่องเอาราวกันแน่นะ พี่จะได้ลากไปให้ตำรวจที่ สน.เค้าชี้ว่าใครผิดใครจ่าย ถ้าตำรวจเค้าว่ายังไงพี่ก็ค่อยว่าตามเค้าแล้วกัน ถ้าตำรวจว่าพี่ไม่ผิดพี่จะไม่จ่ายเธอเลยซักบาทนะจะบอกให้
พี่แค่เห็นคุณแม่เธอแล้วสงสารนะอยากช่วย แต่ตอนนี้พี่งงว่ะ ไม่รู้สองคนแม่ลูกอยากให้ช่วยหรือเปล่า เธอหน่ะขับมาจากทางไหนไม่ทราบ ทะลึ่งเสียบมาได้ทางซ้ายมือหมวกกันน็อคก็ไม่ใส่แท็กซี่ก็จอดชิดฟุตบาท เธอยังมาปากดี แว๊ด ๆ ใส่พี่อีก อะไรของเธอวะ!
(เซ็งจัด ก้อนไขมันสั่นกะดิ๊ก กะดิ๊ก)
ไอ้เรื่องที่พี่ไม่ได้ดูหลังหน่ะก็ใช่ อันนี้พี่ขอโทษที่ทำให้เธอกับแม่เจ็บ นี่ขอโทษเป็นครั้งที่ 4 ที่ 5 แล้วมั๊ง เธอก็ว่าพี่อยู่ได้ “ไม่ต้องมาขอโทษ ไม่ต้องมาขอโทษ” งั๊นพี่จะทำตามที่เธอต้องการก็แล้วกัน คือพี่ไม่ขอโทษแล้วนะ เราไม่รู้จักกันมาก่อนเธอเชื่อได้เลยว่าพี่ไม่ได้ตั้งใจทำให้เธอเจ็บตัวแบบนี้แน่ ๆ ไอ้ที่ขอโทษเธอกับคุณแม่ไปนี่พี่ก็ขอโทษในส่วนที่พี่ทำนะ แต่เรื่องทั้งหมดนี่ก็ว่ากันไปตามถูกตามผิดก็แล้วกัน
พี่ว่าพี่แค่มีมารยาทนะไม่ได้โง่ให้เธอขู่หรือหลอกด่าข้างถนนฟรี ๆ แบบนี้นะ เพราะฉะนั้นหยุดโวยวายกันได้แล้ว โวยวายแล้วเหตุการณ์มันรีเพลย์กลับมาได้ไม๊ บอกมาเลยว่าอยากจะมีเรื่องมีราวลงบันทึกประจำวันหรือจะลองไปนั่งหายใจลึก ๆ ให้ผ่อนคลายซักแป๊บนึง แล้วค่อยมาคุยมาพูดกันดี ๆ จะให้พี่ช่วยซ่อมรถให้หรือมีอย่างอื่นให้พี่ช่วยอย่างสมเหตุสมผลอีกไหม แต่ที่แน่ ๆ ถ้าเธอไม่หยุดโวยวายใส่พี่เดี๋ยวนี้เธอได้มีเรื่องบานปลายสมใจแน่ พี่รับรอง”
เท่านี้เอง (ยัง…ยังมีหน้ามา้เท่านี้เองอีก ไหนว่าแปลงร่างเป็นพระปูนไง นี่มันมารปูนนี่นา :( ) สองคนแม่ลูกก็หันมามองตากันปริบ ๆ น้ำเสียงอ่อยลง ความช่วยเหลือที่ต้องการหลุดออกมาเป็นตัวเลขกลม ๆ พอดีไม่มีเศษ
เฮ้อ…หมดอารมณ์ผ่าแล้ว เอาไว้ก่อนแล้วกัน
คุณหมอแจ้งฤกษ์เบิกซี่โครงใหม่ทันที วันเสาร์ที่ 10 ก.ค.53
(เพิ่งมาสังเกตตอนก่อนผ่านี่เองว่ามันโตขึ้นกว่าเมื่อสามปีก่อนมาก)
(ดูกันชัด ๆ ค่ะ เดินเป็นเจ๊โย้มาเชียว)
(ถ้าดูจากมุมนี้จะเหมือนครูปูมีเพิ่มมาอีกเต้านึงเลยอ่ะ ก๊ากกกก…)
(ใน share files ที่ทำงานภาพนี้เขาตั้งชื่อว่า”กระหรี่ปั๊บ อ.ปู”อ่ะ)
คุณหมอใช้วิธี local block คือฉีดยาให้ชาเฉพาะบริเวณที่จะผ่าตัดแล้วต่อสายกราวด์จากข้อเท้าลงพื้นด้วย รู้ตัวตลอดเวลาที่ผ่าเลยค่ะ มันส์ดีเหมือนกันเค้าคุยเค้าพากษ์อะไรกัน ได้มีส่วนร่วมกับเขาโม้ดเลย 
คุณหมอบอกว่า
“สวยมาก ๆ”
โธ่ นึกว่าชมเราที่แท้ก็ชมก้อนไขมันเราว่าบรรจุอยู่ในถุงห่อหุ้ม กลมได้รูปสวยไม่แตกแหลกละเอียดแต่สิ่งที่ไม่คาดคิดคือเขากลมเกลียวกันมากจนไม่สามารถดันพรืดออกมาได้เหมือนก้อนไขมันทั่วไปที่มีความหยุ่นสูง คุณหมอจึงจำเป็นต้องกรีดปากแผลเพิ่มเพื่อประคองน้องนางออกมาทั้งเรือนร่าง
ตอนนี้ล่ะค่ะที่สนุก คุณหมอสองท่านกับพยาบาลอีก 3 ท่าน ยื้อก้อนไขมันครูปูเสียตัวคลอนแทบตกเตียงผ่าตัดฟัดกันอยู่นานกว่าจะออกมาได้ ท่าจะตึ๋งหนืดเหมือนเจ้าของมังคะ
ความสับสนประกอบกับคำบรรยายของคุณหมอและคุณพยาบาล
“ออกแล้ว ออกแล้ว หูย…สวยมากสมบูรณ์มากต้องขอเอาไว้ดูเป็นตัวอย่างเสียแล้ว”
ช่างให้อารมณ์เหมือนกำลังคลอดลูกเสียนี่กระไร 555…
(จะว่าเหมือนไข่ปลาน่าหม่ำก็ใกล้เคียงนิ)
บอกคุณหมอว่าอยากถ่ายรูปไว้ดู คุณหมอบอกได้เลยจึงได้ภาพประกอบบันทึกด้วยประการฉะนี้
เย็บไป 8 เข็ม รักษาแผลอยู่ 2 สัปดาห์
(กะว่าจะเอาสีเขียนทับเป็นรูปตัวตะขาบ เอาไว้โชว์เวลาใครมาขอดู คงจะเท่น่าดูชมนิเรา :) )
ที่แย่คือใส่เสื้อผ้าไม่ค่อยถนัดเพราะแผลอยู่ตรงรอยต่อของขอบเสื้อพอดี ดันทะลึ่งแพ้ยาสลบอาเจียนแทบแย่เข้าไปอีกเลยต้องพักรักษาตัวจากอาการข้างเคียงนี้แทน ต่อจากนั้นก็ลากสังขารไปทำงานทุกวันเพราะมีคนยุว่าคนผ่าตัดต้องเดินบ่อย ๆ นะแผลถึงจะหายเร็ว ครูปูเลยเดินลากขาเป็นโรโบคอปเพราะความตึงแผลอยู่ครึ่งเดือน เด็ก ๆ ล้อซะไม่มี
น้องที่มีลูกแล้วเพิ่งมาบอกว่า
“พี่ปูคะไอ้ผ่าตัดแล้วเค้าให้ขยันเดินนี่ มันสำหรับคนผ่าตัดในช่องท้องแบบคลอดลูกไม่ใช่เหรอคะ”
เออ แล้วฉันจะรู้ไหม ดีนะ ปล่อยเราเดินลากขาอยู่ครึ่งเดือนแล้วค่อยมาบอก 
เลยตอบไปว่า
“ไม่เป็นไรหรอกอย่างน้อยคุณหมอเขาก็ชมก้อนไขมันพี่ว่าสวย หน้าตาดีก็แล้วกัน”
เอิ๊กซ์ ๆ ๆ
Key Word : เจ็บตัวแล้ว ต้องไม่เจ็บใจ
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ไม่มีความคิดเห็น
ขอเอาไปต้มแซบหน่อยดิ ถ้าจะอร่อย เหมือนไข่ปลาเลยอ่ะ
โอ้ย….กว่าจะได้ฤกษ์เล่า หมดหนุกล่ะ
เห็นชื่อบันทึกแล้วนึก…สงสารคนดู!
ตอนนี้เริ่มจ้อได้ คงหายดีแล้ว นี่เป็นวิธีลดน้ำหนักหรือครับ lipo ชักคะเย่อ
อะจ๊ากสสส ไข่ปลา
เรื่องนี้โคตรเสียวเลย
เสียวแรก กระแทกรถมอเตอร์ไซค์ ลีลาอัดคนด้วยไหวพริบแบบลำหักลำโค่น ใครโดนก็ง๋อย ไม่รู้ซะแล้วว่านี่ลูกไผ 5555
เสียวสอง ผ่าซีสยักษ์ ทำไมมันก้อนบะเร่อเท่อขนาดนั้น ถ้าปล่อยไว้เอาไปออกงานวัดกั้นผ้าเก็บเงิน น่าจะดี 5555
เสียวสาม ต้องรอ เห็นว่าจะเล่าเรื่องด้วยภาพต่อ
เออ นิ พี่บางทราย แอนด์ น้าอึ่ง นิ มีแต่คนเห็นแล้วเรียกไข่ปลา แต่หนูเอารูปลง share files ที่โรงเรียนแล้วตั้งชื่อว่า “กระหรี่ปั๊บ อ.ปู” อ่ะ สงสัยเพราะไม่กินไข่ปลา เลยนึกถึงแต่กระหรี่ปั๊บแทน อิอิ
ดูป๋าพูดเข้า สงสารคนดู
ไอ้ที่ต้องชักคะเย่อนี่ เหมือนคุณหมอเค้าเลาะแล้ว ดึงแล้วก็ไม่ยอมหลุดออกมาหน่ะค่ะ เลยต้องกรีดเพิ่มเพื่องัดออกมาให้ได้
แฮ่ ๆ พ่อคร๊าบ หนูไปค้นดูปรากฎว่าเ้จ้าก้อนไขมันที่ว่านี่ มีหนักเป็น 4-5 กิโลก็มีนะคะ เจอในหมาก็มีค่ะ แต่ของหนูคุณหมอเค้าเน้นสวยอ่ะ หนูเลยเอาไปโม้กับเพื่อนต่อว่า งี๊ แร่ะ คนมันสวย ทั้งนอกทั้งใน (แหว่ะ!)
โอ้ นี่เองที่ขึ้นผิดที่ …แต่ดีใจด้วยนะจ๊ะที่ทุกอย่างผ่านไปด้วยดีทุกประการ น้องปูแข็งแรง สดใสทั้งกายและใจก็เลยไม่มีอะไรที่น่าห่วง แม้จะเรียกได้ว่าแผลใหญ่เหมือนกันเนาะ ตัดไหมเรียบร้อยแล้วมีรอยแผลเป็นมั้ยเอ่ย?
ครูปูใจเย็นนะคะ บางคนแค่คลำได้สัก 2 ซม ก็คงไปเลาะแล้ว ดูจากรูปคงใหญ่และเกือบฝังราก
จริงๆก้อนไขมันไม่น่ากลัวอย่างที่หมอบอกแต่ถ้าโตผิดปกติจนอาจจะไปกดเบียดอวัยวะอื่นก็ต้องเลาะออก หรือถ้าก้อนนี้วันดีคืนร้ายอยากแปลงร่างลงรากไปเที่ยวที่อื่น ก็จะอันตราย เอาออกก็ดีแล้ว…เดาว่าหมอก็คงนัดเพราะประเมินผลการผ่าตัดอีกใช่ไหมคะ
หวัดดีจ้ะ
เห็นชื่อบ้ันทึกเลยหวาดเสียว…ต้องรีบคลิกเข้ามาอ่าน….
อ่านไปขำไป …ฮาาาาาา
ลองถามคุณหมอไหมว่า น้ำหนักก้อนสวย ๆ นี่สักเท่าไหร่ น่าจะราว 3 ขีดนา…
รักษาตัวให้หายเร็ว ๆ นะคะ
สวัสดีค่ะครูปู เพื่อนพี่นิดโปรอบตัว สีข้างทั้งสองข้างเลยแหละ บอกหาหมอยังไม่ยอมหา โคตรๆๆบรมดื้อ ขอส่งลิ้งค์บันทึกครูปูให้เพื่อนอ่านด้วยนะคะ ช่ายค่ะ แผลผ่าคลอดลูกต้องลงเดินเร็วไว จะไม่เจ็บแผลมาก ถ้ายังกลัวเจ็บนะ แผลจะระบมอยู่นั่นแหละ พี่ผ่า2 สาวทั้ง 2ท้อง หมอสมัยใหม่เค้าเก่ง รอยแผลเป็นจะสวยนะคะ
รักษาตัวให้แผลหายเร็ววันนะคะ
กะจะมาดูบันทึกเรท xxx นะเนี่ย 5555
หายเร็วๆ นะค้า..
แฮ่ ๆ ตัดไหมแล้วค่ะ พี่เบิร์ด ไม่อยากจะเซดว่าตอนตัดไหมนี่ พยาบาลทำเจ็บยิ่งกว่าตอนผ่าอีกอ่ะค่ะ (เห็นพยาบาลและอาจารย์พยาบาลอยู่กันหลายคน เลยฟ้องซะเลย เหอ เหอ)
นัดติดตามผลไปเรียบร้อยแล้วค่ะ อ.สร้อย หมอชมแต่แผลสวยมาก แผลสวยมาก สมเป็นหมอศัลยกรรมจริง ๆ อิอิ แล้วไอ้ที่เค้าชักคะเย่อนั่น ก็คงเป็นเพราะมันคงฝังรากไปพอสมควรแล้วหล่ะค่ะ เลย ฮุย เล่ ฮุ๊ย กันใหญ่เลย
ประเมินด้วยสายตาน่าจะ 2-3 ขีดนะคะ คุณ freemind (ยังเรียกไม่ชินอ่ะ ทำไงดี) อะไรไม่เจ็บใจเท่าป๋าบอกว่า เห็นชื่อบันทึกแล้ว นึกสงสารคนดู! ดู๊ ดู แกดิ่
ยินดีค่ะ พี่นิด หนูอ่ะ แผลสวยไม่สวยไม่เป็นไรหรอกค่ะ แค่อย่าเจ็บอย่าทรมานก็พอแร่ะ เรื่องผ่าท้องคลอดอะไรนี่ หนูเปรียบเทียบเล่น ๆ ไปงั๊นเอง ชาตินี้คง NO WAY อ่ะค่ะ ฮิ๊ว……..
โห นี่ยังไม่ XYZ อีกเหรอคะ พี่ครูอึ่งขา หนูหน่ะ X รองอยู่คนเดียวอ่ะ คือพ่อครูบาฯ เพราะยังไม่เคยถอดเสื้อถ่ายรูปวี๊ดวิ่วบนดอยขนาดน๊านนนซักกะทีอ่ะ คริ คริ คริ
อิ อิ ….555555…..
เรื่องผ่าตัดกลายเป็นเรื่องสนุกไปด้ายยยยยย….
พักผ่อนมาก ๆ ห้ามนอนดิ้น ระวังแผลปริ ห้ามไอจามแรง ๆ แผลอาจแยกไม่สวย … นะคะ
ซี่โครงจ๋า ไขมันลาก่อน หายไวๆเด้อครับ
ความที่เป็นคนเส้นตื้นอ่ะนะ เวลาใครพูดอะไร ไม่โดนเค้าแซวก็หาเรื่องแซวเค้า แล้วพอเริ่มหัวเราะแล้วเจ็บแผล เสียขวัญเลยค่ะ เพิ่งรู้ว่าหัวเราะไม่ได้ ท้องมันกระเพื่อม ช่วงที่แผลยังไม่หาย ไอจามทีนึง มีคนจ้องทั้งออฟฟิซ แต่ก็ดีเหมือนกันะคะ ไอ้ที่อยากจะจาม หายไปเลย สงสัยหมดอารมณ์เพราะมีคนจ้องเยอะ
ขอบคุณค่ะ ครูอาราม ไอ้ไขมันที่หายไปน่าจะไม่เกิน 3 ขีดนะคะ แต่ไอ้น้ำหนักที่มาตอนบำรุงตัวเอง 3-4 กิโลนี่ ยังลดไม่ลงเลยอ่ะค่ะ
ฮูลาฮู๊บหน่ะ ถ้าเบื่อเมื่อไหร่ เอามาแบ่งกันเล่นบ้างก็ได้นะคะ ฮี่ๆๆ
ผมไม่เคยเห็นคนผ่าตัดหัวเราะได้ขนาดนี้เลยนะเนีย
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