วิบากที่คนน่าหมั่นไส้อาจได้เจอ
อ่าน: 17625เมื่อสอบติดทั้งสองที่ วิธีตัดสินใจก็คือเลือกเรียนที่เดียวกับเพื่อนซี๊ที่เรียนด้วยกันมาตั้งแต่ ม.1 ซะเลย ได้ทำกิจกรรมทุกอย่างร่วมกัน ออกค่ายอาสา เล่นกีฬา คุมเชียร์ จนถึงทำงานองค์การนักศึกษาทั้งที่เป็นแค่้น้อง ปี.1
พวกรุ่นพี่องค์การนักศึกษาก็คงดีใจ ที่ได้เจอน้องใหม่ เฮฮา แถมขยันช่วยงานทุกอย่างแบบนี้ จึงให้ความเอ็นดูเป็นพิเศษ จะออกค่าย จะประชุม จะจัดงานประจำปี จะไปเที่ยวชายหาด จะสะพายเป้โบกรถ จะเหมาเรือไปดำน้ำก็จะหนีบไปด้วย ติดสอยห้อยตามไปประชุม (เที่ยว) วิทยาเขตต่าง ๆ ของมหาวิทยาลัยทั่วประเทศ
โดยเฉพาะเจ้าปู ไปมันทุกทริปขอให้บอก กลัวอะไรซะที่ไหนล่ะ เหอ เหอ
(ไม่งั้นจะได้ฉายาน้องปูโนพลอมแพล็มเหรอคะ )
อาจเพราะวางตัวห้าว ๆ แต่ชัดเจน ไปไหนกับรุ่นพี่หนุ่ม ๆ จึงไม่มีปัญหาเลย
คิดดูก็แล้วกันค่ะ ออกจะวี๊ดวิ่วขนาดนี้ (แหวะ!)
แต่ไม่เคยมีหนุ่มหน้าไหนกล้ามาจีบตลอดเวลาที่เรียนอยู่เลยก็แล้วกัน
แถมตัวเองก็ไม่ปิ๊งไผซักกะแว่ปเลยจริงจริ๊ง ให้ดิ้นตาย
(เฮ้อ.. อายเหมือนกันนะเนี่ยะ)
ด้วยความซ่าส์สุด ๆ ทำให้มักถูกมองว่ามาติดรุ่นพี่หนุ่ม ๆ ในองค์การฯ ซะล่ะม้าง
เช้าก็ปั่นจักรยานมารับไปเรียน เย็นก็มารับกันไปกินข้าว รุ่นพี่ทุกคนผลัดเปลี่ยนมารับน้องทุกคนถ้วนหน้า บรรยากาศแบบพี่ๆ น้องๆ ไม่มีเรื่องกิ๊กแก๊กเข้ามาให้ปวดขมอง ทำให้วางตัวกันได้อย่างสนิทใจ เย็นไหนซ้อมแบดมินตัน พวกพี่ ๆ เพื่อน ๆ ก็ตามไปนั่งเฝ้าพร้อมโห่ฮาให้เขว จะได้เลิกซ้อมแล้วรวมหัวไปกินข้าวเย็นกันเป็นหมู่คณะเร็ว ๆ
ทำตัวเปิ๊ดสะก๊าดออกอย่างนี้ ไอ้นู่นก็ทำได้ ไอ้นี่ก็จะทำ เสียงดังแจ๋น ๆ หัวเราะก๊ากๆๆ ทั้งวัน ทุกที่ ไม่มีเคอะเขิน เดี๋ยวก็จับไมค์ เดี๋ยวก็ขึ้นเวที
แหม… ยัยสาวมั่นพันปูเซ็น
ของแถมจะเป็นอื่นใดไปมิได้นอกจาก “ความหมั่นไส้” ที่ต้องได้รับจากปวงประชาฮาเฮเป็นแน่แท้
และแล้วการติดกันไปติดกันมา ก็เป็นเรื่อง
เพื่อนซี๊กลายเป็นคนเก็บตัว ตื่นเช้าก็หนีไปเรียนก่อนไม่รอกันเหมือนเคย หายตัวไปทั้งวัน เข้าหออีกทีก็ดึกดื่น กลับมาก็รีบคลุมโปงหลับ เหมือนกลัวเราจะถาม เดินสวนกันก็ไม่ยอมสบตา ทั้งมึนและงง ไม่กล้าถาม กลัวเพื่อนจะมีปัญหาส่วนตัวประเภทที่น่าอายบอกใครไม่ได้ เพื่อนมันอยากอยู่คนเดียวหรือเปล่าหว่าี ปล่อยเพื่อนไปก่อนแล้วกัน เดี๋ยวเขาพร้อมแล้วคงเล่าให้เราฟังเองแหล่ะ
เลยได้แต่จ๋อง ๆ ด้วยความเป็นห่วงอยู่ห่าง ๆ
แม่ปูจอมซ่าส์ไม่ช้าก็เริ่มเฉา ไม่ค่อยกล้าพูดมาก กลัวคนจะถามเรื่องเพื่อนซี๊ที่ตัวเคยติดกัน เมื่อถูกถามก็ทำได้แค่มองหน้ากับเพื่อนที่เหลือตาปริบ ๆ เพราะไม่มีคำตอบให้ใครจริง ๆ
ห่วงเพื่อนก็ห่วง งงก็งง เริ่มสงสัยตัวเองตะหงิด ๆ
นี่เราพูด หรือทำอะไรให้เพื่อนโกรธหรือน้อยใจหรือเปล่าหว่า
แต่คงไม่ใช่เราหรอก สงสัยเป็นเพื่อนอีกคนแหง ๆ
(มั่นใจๆ โยนๆ)
น่านะ…เดี๋ยวมันก็หาย
จู่ ๆ เพื่อนคนนี้ถูกพ่อแม่รับตัวกลับบ้านที่ต่างจังหวัดทันที ท่ามกลางความมึนงงเป็นปูตาแตก
เอ๋อเหรอกับเหตุการณ์นั้นอยู่เป็นเดือน แต่ก็ยังไม่รู้ว่ามันเป็นอย่างนั้นไปได้ยังไง? ตั้งแต่เมื่อไหร่?
เมื่อได้รู้ภายหลังว่าเพื่อนคนนี้ไปสารภาพกับรุ่นพี่คนหนึ่งว่า ครูปูเป็นตัวการสำคัญที่ทำให้เพื่อนต้องเลือกทำอย่างนั้น จึงได้ถึงบางอ้อกับเขาเสียที
“พี่คิดดูนะ หนูไม่เคยสำคัญเลยในสายตาพวกพี่ ๆ หนูสู้ปูมันไม่ได้ซักอย่าง หนูไม่เด่นเท่ามันนี่ เล่นกีฬาก็ไม่เป็น อ้วนก็อ้วน พูดก็ไม่เก่งเหมือนมัน เอาใจใครก็ไม่เป็น พวกพี่ ๆ ติดปูทุกคนเลยเห็นไม๊ ใคร ๆ ก็เรียกแต่ปู ไม่มีใครสนใจหนูเลย”
หนำซ้ำพี่ ๆ ยังเฉลยให้สาแก่ใจอีกว่า
“รู้ตัวไหม ตลอดเวลาที่มันเป็นเรื่องอยู่ พวกพี่ได้ยินเรื่องไม่ดีของปูเยอะมาก เอาพวกพี่ไปว่าที่หอพักบ้างล่ะ นินทาเพื่อนคนนู้นคนนี้ลับหลังบ้างล่ะ ว่าพวกพี่เอาเปรียบรุ่นน้องบ้างล่ะ อมเงินองค์การฯ บ้างหล่ะ แต่พวกพี่ไม่เชื่อนะ ปูไม่ได้ออกแนวนั้น เห็นบ่นถึงเขาทุกวันด้วยซ้ำ พวกพี่ก็คุยกันตลอดนะ และรู้ว่าใครเป็นอย่างไร ได้แต่กังวลว่าเกิดอะไรขึ้นกันแน่ระหว่างหนูกับเพื่อน ไม่กล้าแม้แต่จะกระซิบบอกปูนะ ถ้าเรื่องมันไม่แดงแบบนี้ ปูไม่มีทางเชื่อพวกพี่แน่ ๆ”
หน้าชา น้ำตารื้น สับสน กระอักกระอ่วน ภาพความหลังดี ๆ ที่มีให้กันมาตลอด 7 ปี ฉายวนซ้ำไปมาเหมือนหนัง cable ทีวีรายเดือน
เพิ่งรู้ว่าเรื่องของน้องใหม่ 2 คนแย่งกันจีบรุ่นพี่คนเดียวกัน ที่เป็นที่มาของปรากฎการณ์เพื่อนรักหักเหลี่ยมโหดให้ใคร ๆ ได้เมาท์กันสนุกปากนั้น มีเราไปร่วมเป็นดารานำ 1 ในนั้นด้วย
ไอ้เรื่องที่ถูกมองว่ามาช่วยงานแบบไม่จริงใจ มาประจบประแจงหรือเข้ามาพิศวาสรุ่นพี่หนุ่ม ๆ หน้าไหนก็ตามแต่
เทียบไม่ได้เลยกับความตกตะลึงว่า
“เพื่อน” ช่างไม่รู้จักเราเลยหรือนี่ คิดได้อย่างไรว่าเราเป็นคู่แข่งเรื่องอย่างนั้น ตัวติดกันตลอดเวลา รู้ทุกอย่างที่เราคิด แทบจะนับเป็นคน ๆ เดียวกันก็ว่าได้
อ่านเราไม่ออกสักนิดเลยเหรอเพื่อนเอ๋ย
หรือเราแอบเผลอไปมีทีท่ากับใครเมื่อไหร่ (ฟะ)
แล้วนอกจากเรื่องนี้แล้ว เธอจดจำความทรงจำดี ๆ ระหว่างเราเรื่องอื่น ๆ ได้บ้างไหม
และเสียใจที่สุดเพราะไม่เคยคิดว่า่เพื่อนรักของเรา
จะกลายเป็นหนึ่งในกลุ่มคนที่ร่วมวง “หมั่นไส้” ตัวเองไปได้
ถึงกับยอมเอาความรู้สึกดี ๆ ที่เคยมีให้กัน ศักดิ์ศรีและอนาคตเข้าแลกจนหมดตัว เพียงเพื่อให้ได้ความรู้สึกที่ว่า
“อย่างน้อยฉันก็เหนือกว่าเธอเรื่องนี้นะ ยายปู”
ถึงวันนี้ แม้เรื่องนี้จะเป็นเพียงความทรงจำสีจาง ๆ ไปแล้ว
แต่คุณลักษณะน่าหมั่นไส้ของครูปูยังอยู่ครบค่ะ แฮ่ ๆ
การันตีโดยเพื่อนฝูงและกิ๊กเก่าที่บ้านเกิดทั้งหลายแหล่ อิอิ
เพียงแต่ต้องพยายามควบคุมการแสดงออก
ระมัดระวังคำพูด
หัดสังเกตปฏิกริยาของคนรอบข้างบ่อย ๆ
เพราะ “ใจ” ใคร ๆ พอได้่เสียไปแล้ว
การยื้อคืนนั้นยากกว่าการระมัดระวังที่เรายังพอจะทำได้เยอะค่ะ
และคำอธิบายมากมายแค่ไหน
บางครั้งก็ชดเชยได้ไม่หมด
ไม่ทัน
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4873 ความคิดเห็น
เหมือนในไผเลยนี่ครับ แปลว่ายังเหมือนเดิม(น่าหมั่นไส้ ฮี่ฮี่)
การเรียนรู้จากคนใกล้ตัวที่สุดนี่แหละจ้ะคือประสบการณ์ที่ล้ำค่าที่สุด เข้าใจถึงความรู้สึกนะจ๊ะ และดีใจที่เป็นเพียงความทรงจำสีจาง ๆ ไปแล้ว เพราะแสดงว่าน้องก้าวผ่านได้อย่างดีแบบคนมีวุฒิภาวะ อิอิอิ แหมน่ากอดแน่น ๆ จริง
เข้าใจเขาเหอะ คนทุกคนต้องการความยอมรับการมีตัวตนของตัวนะน้องครูปู
ที่เขาจี๊ดมากเพราะเขาไม่รู้จะทำยังไงให้มีคนเห็นตัวตนของเขาเวลาอยู่กับน้อง
แล้วที่จี๊ดนะไม่ได้จี๊ดน้องครูปูหรอกนะ จี๊ดตัวเขาเองนะแหละที่ทำไม่ได้
ปฏิกิริยาที่คอยปกป้องตัวของคนเรา มันทำให้เขาปล่อยมันออกมากระทบโดนเราที่อยู่ใกล้ตัวเขาซะมากกว่า
แล้วตัวน้องครูปูเอง ใจมันใสไง ไม่ได้มีอารมณ์อะไรตอบรับไว้แล้วยังสนองคืนในมุมบวก
มันก็เลยสะท้อนคืนกลับไปให้เขายิ่งจี๊ดตัวเองมากขึ้นจนทนอารมณ์ตัวเองไม่ได้
เรื่องอย่างนี้ เข้าใจเขาก็พอ แล้วเราก็จะมีแต่ความทรงจำที่ดีกับเขาอยู่เสมอ
ปล่อยไว้ให้เขาอธิบายตัวเองเถอะน้องเอ๋ย มันเป็นความคิดของเขา เขาต้องลบมันเอง
เราไปพยายามอธิบายโดยตัวเรายังไงก็คงไม่เป็นผลหรอก ยิ่งพยายามเพื่อให้เขาลบมันออก มันยิ่งถลอกแล้วจะกลายเป็นแผลแทนที่มันจะกลืนหายไปค่ะ
………..
คิดถึงนะค่ะ
ไอ้คุณลักษณะน่าหมั่นไส้นี่มันพูดยากจริงๆ นะคะ ตัวคนเป็นเองก็ไม่ค่อยจะรู้ตัว เราก็คิดว่าเราเป็นของเราอย่างนี้ เป็นเฉพาะตัวทำเฉพาะตัว (ไม่เกี่ยวกับใครนี่หว่า) ยังจำได้อยู่ที่พี่หมอเจ๊คอมเมนท์เรื่องสมดุลพลังกระทิง พลังหนู วันนี้ก็ได้เรียนรู้เรื่องความต้องการการยอมรับความมีตัวตนอีกเข้าใจเลยค่ะ เพียงแต่ดูตัวเองซื่อบื้อ ๆ ยังไงไม่รู้ค่ะ ถ้าตอนนั้นเราเข้าใจอะไรสักนิด เขยิบไปเป็นที่ปรึกษาเวลาเขาจี๊ดได้ก็น่าจะดีนะคะ
ว่าแต่ว่ามันก็ผ่านไปแล้วค่ะ เมื่อซัก 4-5 ปีก่อนได้รับ message เข้ามาขอโทษเรื่องนี้ บอกว่าเพิ่งคิดได้และเสียใจมากกับการกระทำของตัวเองที่ทำให้ต้องเสียเพื่อนดี ๆ อย่างเราไป
(น้องสาวบอกว่าเพื่อนคนนี้ไปตามหาครูปูและขอเบอร์โทรจากน้องสาวในงานเลี้ยงศิษย์เก่าที่โรงเรียนเดิม)
เพื่อนคงอธิบายตัวเองได้แล้วมังคะ นั่งถามตัวเองว่าเอาไงต่อดี คำตอบคือดีใจที่ได้เพื่อนกลับมาค่ะ ทุกอย่างเหมือนเดิม มันแค่ความเข้าใจผิด เพื่อนเราน่ารักขนาดไหนที่รวบรวมความกล้าที่จะทำแบบนี้ ทั้ง ๆ ที่เวลามันเนิ่นนานเกินจำเป็นแล้วค่ะ ผ่านไปสิบกว่าปีแล้วนั่น
เราไม่อาจรู้อนาคตได้เลยว่าจะมีชีวิตอยู่บนโลกนี้ได้อีกนานแค่ไหน โรคภัยไข้เจ็บ อุบัติเหตุ บัญชีกรรมที่เหลืออยู่เท่าไหร่ก็ไม่รู้
เพื่อความไม่ประมาท ก็ใช้ไอ้ที่เหลือให้มีความสุข วางเรื่องไม่สุข ไม่พึงพอใจทิ้งไว้บ้าง ชอบ ไม่ชอบ ถูกใจไม่ถูกใจก็ช่างมันบ้างเห๊อะ
ถือไว้มาก หนัก ขมึงทึงมาก เหนื่อย เรื่องบางเรื่องต้องการเหตุผลในการกระทำ แต่ไม่ใช่ซะทุกเรื่อง ถ้าเรายอมรับ ยอมทำ ยอมลงอะไรง่าย ๆ บ้าง มันก็ดีไปแบบนึงเนอะ
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